Need some outside advice on marital problem involving in-law...?

Without going into much detail, my husband's brother sexually molested me one night (obviously, against my will and to my great shock). It didn't progress too far, since I put an immediate stop to it, but I still have the lingering feelings of violation, shattered trust, fear, guilt, etc. I informed my husband immediately, who was obviously stunned, but admits he does believe me. He acknowledges his brother doesn't have the best morals or attitude, but neither of us dreamed it'd be this bad (Who Does think that about a family member?) However, we have argued incessantly about how to proceed from that point. I don't want a thing to do with his brother, to even be in the same location as him. I don't want additional drama, I don't want to keep presenting opportunities for anything else, or something worse, to happen, and I'm afraid of any reactions (whether my own, his, or my husband's) that may take place. I feel this is a very private situation and I don't really desire to involve my husband's entire family, but I understand they'd need to know something, since I won't be partaking in any family gatherings. I've offered to host Christmas %26amp; Thanksgiving dinners at our house, so we can avoid his brother's presence, but my husband insists his family won't make the effort to drive up (they all live about 45 minutes away). He feels, and I quote, ';they shouldn't have to suffer for us not wanting to tolerate [his brother's] presence';. Hearing this sort of made me snap, since I feel *I* shouldn't have to suffer for this man's awful actions. My husband also continually states how I must 'get over it and move on'....but I feel some actions are unforgiveable, and I certainly know these feelings are going to be anything but mullified if I have to be in his brother's presence again. Now, my husband accuses me of 'alienating him from his family', even though I'm now making more of an effort to visit with them than he ever has before this all went down, to keep the peace between us and them and reassure them it's not THEIR fault, nor are we going to be holding it against them. My husband doesn't feel they'll understand ';our'; (namely, my) stance and wishes to not be near his brother, and that it'll just raise a lot of problems and people will be upset against us for 'holding a grudge'. If this was any other matter, I could consider forgiveness and the whole 'getting over it'....but, in my mind, this action was *awful* and I don't even want to associate with people like that - ESPECIALLY if they are family and still capable of such a thing. Needless to say, this has brought GREAT distance between my husband and myself. I'm beginning to feel hostile and unsupported. I feel as if he's not even making an effort to make something work where we don't have to expose ourselves to his brother. I totally am aware there will, ultimately, be events where we'll have to see him, but those situations would be large and important enough to keep the 'past' behind us for the duration. Am I wrong to be feeling this need of seperation from his brother - for both himself and me, as I feel a marriage IS a unity, and he should be standing by my side without any resentment or force?Need some outside advice on marital problem involving in-law...?
Sweetie you and your husband need to go into some marriage counseling to get direction on how to handle things appropriately concerning the entire family. You have every right not to want any involvement with your brother in law and that's what your husband needs to understand how to deal with so that this matter does not affect what the two of you have together. You should come first and that's the bottom line. This brother in law has no respect for you or his brother and if anyone wants to hold any animosity over it they need to direct it to the man that stepped over the boundary and messed up the family gatherings. Never allow anyone to force you to be in contact with anyone that is not right and endangers your mental well being. He owes you and his brother an apology and needs to get some help for himself because he in my book would be dangerous. Be very careful in this situation because the brother in law should not be trusted. He may say or do anything to retaliate against you to save his own face and do not tolerate anything here. He could be a rapist so watch your back and keep a close eye on things. This is just horrible for you and no matter what it may cost you just stay away from this man. Need some outside advice on marital problem involving in-law...?
*shakes head* what do you mean he molested you? Were you passed out or something?
what he did was a crime and police should have been called as far as i am concerned. if your husband is not 100% with you than maybe you should get rid of him too
i agree with twosey that your husband needs to have a conversation with his brother. your husband does not know how to deal with this which is why he is telling you to get over it. tell him you will NEVER get over it and tell him what you think he should do (confront his brother). tell him you understand how this conflict makes him uncomfortable, but there is a right way to handle it and a wrong way. too bad. tell him to handle it the right way, which is to support you and to confront your brother. after the confrontation, then there can be discussions, not decisions, about how to proceed with family gatherings. good luck.
Your brother-in-law molested you. His problem.


The aftereffects of his attack on you are now you - and your husbands -problems.


Whenever you let anger guide your decisions, you will lose sight of the objective. Letting anger come between you and your husband is now endangering your marriage.


My best advice is, try to let it go. Make peace with your husband, go to the social gatherings...but next time the brother-in-law even comes near you, let your feelings be known. Maybe with a Taser, or pepper spray.
I think you feeling and needing to stay away from this brother is perfectly normal and understandable. I do think you DO need to resolve the matter within yourself though too and forgive and forget. BUt that doesn't mean you EVER have to trust him again nor does it mean you have to suddenly have this personal warm relationship with him again either. What he did was intolerable and out of line completely. When someone ELSE didn't experience it they can NEVER fully empathize - especially another man (your husband). He has tried to be supportive and understanding but I think to expect his continued support of you HOLDING ON TO THIS Is asking too much of him. He didn't experience it - you did. And, after all he does love his brother and in his mind he has to resolve the issue on your part and on the brothers part in his heart %26amp; mind. Which he has done apparently. SO he's ready for YOU to move on.





The problem though is that when a women has been and felt violated like this there is no TIME TABLE to be over it. It's a process. I would just suggest that you make sure you are IN THE PROCESS and not holding on to it intentionally. Maybe you should go see a counselor or therapist for some brief sessions that might help you here. I think you shouldn't expect your husband to alienate his brother. Neither should he expect that you just take this brother back into your embrace and relationship circle in a trusting loving way. Maybe ever! Has the brother ever apologized? That could be a core issue here. Has your husband ever confronted him about it? I think he needs to.





I think a few things need to happen to help this along and maybe you and your hubby both need to go into counseling for a short time. It might really make a difference. THIS was a traumatic emotional event for YOU and he isn't wanting it to remain that anymore and you can't let it go yet. SO it coming between you might lead to disasterous results without HELP. I think there are a lot of things here that need attention and professional support and intervention might be the best and only way at this point.
I think your husband needs to take this up with his brother. He absolutely needs to confront him and suggest that this perverted brother stay out of your way. He should be the one missing out on holidays or parties (out of shame and embarrassment) If he doesn't feel remorse, shouldn't everyone know that he is relentless and a threat?





In my opinion, your husband is trying to avoid a conflict that he can't avoid. He needs to either support you or not.





Good luck. That is such a hard situation

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